Anybody English-savvy?

I am going to copy and paste your essay and put the changes I would suggest in parentheses. along with my reasons:
“When I was a girl I strived (strove–strived is OK, but I prefer the latter) to do well in school because I wanted to please my parents. Often I failed. After all, to me, success wasn’t a passion (insert comma here) it was a chore. As I grew older and entered high school I began feeling pressure to choose a major. The more I searched for one, the more frustrated I became. My senior year of high school came and went and I was still undecided; I felt completely lost. So, I enrolled in the local Community College and started my first semester in the Fall of 2008. Right off the bat (immediately, instead of cliché phrase) I was completely struck with the freedom of choosing my own classes. I remember the surge (sense, or swelling) of independence I felt on my very first day of class. Unlike in (eliminate “in”) High School, I paid for my own courses and my own books and for once, I was working hard to please myself. Success finally became my passion and with it I developed a thirst for learning. College presented me with all kinds of opportunities and the open-ended (endless) possibilities (variety) of classes I could take was, and is, incredibly exciting. Before I started College, when I was a stressed and frustrated High-Schooler (high school student), I worried I’d never find that one special major I could devote my life to. (to which I could devote my life) However, after having the (replace “having the” with “my”) Community College experience I’ve had (leave out “I’ve had”), I see now I don’t have to choose. I have too many interests to ever try to narrow them down (replace “narrow them down” to “choose”) to just one (at this time in my life). I want to learn more about Sociology, Physical Education, History, Art, Humanities, Communication and most definitely, English (perhaps replace “English” which is very generic with “literature and writing skills”). Through the experiences I’ve had, I’ve learned how important it is to try new (replace “new” with “different”) things and discover new interests. As a XYZ College student, I would want to fully (take this word out, it”s really an unnecessary modifier) immerse myself in the college community because I feel like I’ve only begun getting to know myself (replace “getting to know myself” with “exploring my interests”) and my potentials (no plural needed here, eliminate the “s”). I intend to continue searching for what I (will) love and I believe XYZ College would be a wonderful place for me to do so.”
You might also want to include some details about how this particular school is more interesting and suitable for you in particular, as opposed to other possible college choices.
More: since you are actually answering a question, you should talk about some extracurricular activites, experiences and interests you have had outside of your academic work.

To be honest I’d strike that whole bit about not doing well in school and how success was a chore until you started to pay for your own classes. They’ll think that your prior lack of success in school was due, primarily, to laziness and they must think that if you got scholarships and grants where you didn’t have to pay for your books or tuition, then you might not strive as hard.
I would also strike that bit about not choosing a particular subject matter. Colleges don’t want indecisive students because they’re less likely to finish college in the first place. If its a credible academic institution they’re going to look at you as an investment. It wouldn’t be a good investment to accept a student who may not decide on a major and would end up dropping college. So reword that. You could say what your interests are and hint toward a particular field of interest. It doesn’t matter if you change your mind or not.
Also, you need to talk about the college itself, not just you. You need to do research on the college. Did they receive awards? Do they have a highly celebrated staff? What is their reputation?
And what do you hope to gain from going to college at that particular school? Why is this school your primary choice over all others. You’re selling yourself to them and you need to convince them that you’re serious about gaining entry into that particular college and not just any college.
I would sum it up with your end goal. You hope to gain a BA in (enter field), or an MA in (enter field). It will tell them how long you intend to attend the college, hence, how stable an investment you would be for them. You could also state what you hope to do with that degree.
Just focus on your good attributes, your good academic records, and them and you’ll be set. Remember, colleges are businesses. They are only looking to make money; they don’t care about your success. They just want to determine whether or not you’re a likely candidate to finish college and rack up the tuition. I know it sounds harsh but that’s the way it is, trust me.
Hope this helps.